Hi everyone!!! *Waves like a teen girl at a Justin Bieber concert*
I've been away for a long time, which means I have a lot to tell you. Some of which is actually quite personal. I feel stripped bare and almost uncomfortably exposed talking about it on such a public platform. But I want to give you all an idea as to where I've been, and maybe even offer something to someone else who might be going through what I did.
Writing and publishing has been one of the most fulfilling endeavors of my life. It has also been the most challenging. The only way I've been able to describe or label my experience is by calling it Post-publishing depression. Now this is not to say that I am diminishing the very real postpartum depression or trying to soil it in any way. Postpartum actually goes beyond hormonal. Like 15% of men get it. It's just that this is the only thing I can compare it to that expresses how I've felt and what I've gone through.
I can't even really tell you one thing that brought it on. I published, and then became a different person after awhile. I couldn't write. I had this inner blockage that would rear its head up every time I'd consider writing. Which is so weird because the whole time I held onto this dream of writing and the love for it.
I was unmotivated, grumpy, sad, had mood swings, anxiety, and loss of sleep. And my hair was falling out. I lost enough of it that I quit bleaching it and dyed it my natural color to give it a rest for awhile. Then it kept falling out anyway. It was really thin at the top and in certain lights you could see my scalp. So I got a wig and told the guys at work that it was extensions. Hey, they're dudes, they don't know the difference (if one of you guys from work is reading this, Sorry! I just felt too awkward admitting to wearing a wig).
I pulled back from the internet, from Twitter, from Facebook, from everything and almost everyone. It sucked because I missed so many of you. I've had major guilt about not talking with you or keeping up with what you're doing or major life changes. I've felt crappy for not being able to support your blogs and tweet your links.
I've felt like Satan's spawn for taking so long to get Enemy Within done, and for setting a release date and then not making it. Things were starting to get back on track last Spring, but then after the release date and cover reveal things started spiraling again. Scary life stuff happened, too, that contributed. So it's been a long road.
The break from the internet and not seeing the gazillion new releases every day helped. Having people I could talk to helped. Time helped. Even some natural remedies helped. I was feeling better in every way save for the anxiety. And Prozac pretty much chilled that shizz right out! #ProzacLove #CocktailOfTheGods
My hair was growing back. It was still ugly, though, because it was so thin in the length. I cut it off and went blond again. I feel so much better with it now. It's an edgy hair style, and I feel pretty and bad ass with it. It's similar to
this.
2012 has been a hell of year. And not in a good way. I've heard from many others that it was a crappy year for them too. I finally feel like I'm on the other side of this thing. And that's why I'm talking about it now. I've known for a long time that I'd like to eventually write a blog post about it. But with it still going on, it felt like too fresh a wound. It's still hard to even admit all this publicly. It feels like I'm exposing a weakness or something. I mean, I've questioned a hundred times if I was strong enough to take a go at this writing gig. But it sounded more like, "What the hell are you thinking? You can't do this. You're too
weak. You're not cut out for this. You're not strong enough, good enough, creative enough, or deserving enough for it." I still go through worries of not being creative or skilled enough to do this--as I think comes with being a writer anyway. But Prozac has helped me to not believe it for very long. And then I write some words, and I'm effing AWESOME again, and can hang with the kick ass people because I'm kick ass too, dammit!
When I look back on the past year, it seems as though (as far as book stuff because I've been working full time and going to school full time still) has been on hold. It's just been dangling there while the world still turns, everyone's life goes on, but I still hold the same dream.
So I'm BACK. I'm in a good place. I know I'm strong enough to live my dreams. And I am soooooo CLOSE to being done with Enemy Within. I don't have a set date yet, but it'll be out before the end of April. :) And you'll see lots more books from me. My goal is to get 3 out this year. Large goal, but I'll be DONE, D-O-N-E, with school after this semester!! *happy dance* So more free time to get the wordage on the page.
I've missed you all TERRIBLY! ♥
Here's the song I feel is the tone of Enemy Within. It's inspired many great scenes.
Is Your Love Strong Enough--How to Destroy Angels (Trent Reznor is the MAN!)
